FYI: i DO have a heart.

Sometimes, being happy for them just isn’t enough. I thought I could cover up my own misery just by being their friend in the backseat, ready to take the wheel when the road gets rough. That being the superhero would give me the majestic satisfaction the comic books always said about the heroes. Since the day I have brought my child self to listen to catholic school lectures, I have known that ‘to give is better than to receive’. But it has always bothered me, what can you give if you get nothing in the first place?

And so I continued to bury myself. I shut myself from the world hoping that the silence of being alone would be more comforting. Well, sometimes it is. They are too noisy. They talk too much, they cant seem to hear each other. And I don’t want to be part of that world anymore. Ive been there, and I WANT OUT.

But the thing is, I cant seem to get out of it completely. There’s something about the world that sucks me back in, even when I push hard to escape it. Getting dragged in is painful. When I detached myself, they came for me. They pulled me in again. I was thankful, because for the very first time in my life, someone genuinely wanted me IN their circle. I know I am not heaven sent, but I tried to be an angel… although I definitely think no matter how hard I try, I could not grow the wings that I wanted.

One day i just gave up on dreaming for those wings. an angel i was... but a human broken inside. i was tired of it. i suddenly realized, perhaps i have served my time. they were happy, i did all that i could. i actually became the backseat friend who drove at the worst weathers. i had the rational mind, the thinking-before-acting character; so i guess they trusted me. they said i was smart, that i could outwit anyone and outdo anything... well, maybe they're right. i think a lot. to the point when they thought all i could do was THINK.

I AM a complete human. i have limbs, senses and whatever anatomy everyone else has. yes, i have a brain and i use it a lot. BUT it is not the only thing i have. i have a heart. biologically, of course i have one that pumps blood and keeps me alive... it beats hard when im angry and almost dies when im depressed. and YES, i can feel. i have emotions. i can cry, although i have convinced myself long ago not to. i can laugh. and i know gratitude and humiliation. i can feel hurt and regret. bet you never knew that. i know i look cold and detached. because sometimes it makes me feel better... to stay away from the people who would never listen, especially to me.

the angel stays here. wondering how great it would be to escape and fly away from all this. the angel is beat up and bruised, even before she crashes from her anticipated flight.

at times i get so angry i can swear the whole day to sleep. or i feel crushed because some other ignorant human who forgot that i could feel took away my pride.

but in the end, i still dont understand... i was always the one who said sorry.