What I'm Pretty Much About Right Now

it's the day after christmas and these are my thoughts:

I learned…
That no matter how hard I try, I cant have everything I want at the same time. That it all comes down to every person’s insatiable desire of everything. You got something, then suddenly you want more. We find happiness in acquiring what we want, but then it becomes an endless search for happiness because we never run out of things to wish for.

I feel…
That I am the sole surviving hope of all the people whose middle or last name is the same as mine. And bearing that charge seems to be almost equivalent to being the friggin savior of the poverty-stricken, the abandoned, the mistreated, and all victims of this country’s ill-fated condition. But really, I feel I’m just the fallback of the lost dreams and frustrations of all generations above me.

I think…
I still need a world of reasons for me to trust people. And to whoever would provide me those reasons, I do extend my advance gratitude for saving me from possible schizophrenic tendencies.

I fear…
The day when I’d realize my coldness and reservation didn’t do a single thing to save one of the most important aspects of my present existence. When I would blame my own reluctant ways of sharing myself, and recognize that in fact, it was my fault that it all fell apart.

I terribly fear…
That the greatest plan I have ever conjured would fail miserably. That I had given the courageous effort for nothing.

I wish…
That I can do right even just for once. I wish I can save the world and tell myself I did a good job.


I want…
To disappear and watch the world like it’s a TV show.