Down in the Dumps

wallowing becomes too tiring after a while... when i realize that i suddenly fail to recognize the difference between yesterday and today. if it is any different, i wouldn't notice; because for one, i know i am no different, and second, i am starting to lose that little glimmer of hope that all THIS can change.

today i realized how much of a sore loser i am. i am coming close to the ways of a damned hypocrite; proclaiming the goodness of humanity and making everyone else see the bright side - which i have, in fact, never seen. i know running away isnt any solution, but i think it's the only way to make things better. it's either I cause the problem or I AM the problem. if only i had means to escape, i would have gone long before... and now, my opportunity just burned out.

i have feared uncertainty; and now i fear a lot more. i dread having to say i need help. two months ago, i convinced myself I can carry out everything on my own and with that, never really considered that sometime i would have to doubt my judgment. i cannot do everything by myself, but im still struggling to. and i still stick to that: I AM to finish all this ALONE.

i hate the fact that some of the people i believe in are making it hard for me to breathe. i dont understand why no one else sees the lethargy forming in my midst. the circles around my eyes are becoming darker and deeper, and my stare has become blank. but the apathetic conversations keep on coming… please, i cannot carry the whole world on my shoulder. the least anyone could do is notice how horrible my eyes have become – how my eyelids gloomily fall over my irises, and how my lashes always seemed to be damp. but i guess it would be so much trouble for anyone to care.

my disappearances are becoming too often. of all the things i fear, the only thing i sometimes hope would happen is for this poor soul to end up somewhere far-off that no one would ever find it. so much for my fading existence.