i am happy beyond words. if anyone has heard me say that lately, my voice would be the perfect epitome of sarcasm. right now all I want is to be somewhere cold and quiet, where i can wear my gingham skirt and black boots without anyone looking at me strangely. i want a place where i can sit beside a tree and read a book, while burrowed with a cup of strong cinammon coffee.
Perhaps i really am not a normal kid. at eighteen years old, i am past the age of excessive drinking and rebellion... something which most teens go through until their early twenties. and another thing, if i even went through that stage, only few keen eyes noticed. today i realized how unusually deep into life i am. most people i know worry about what to wear, where to get money for phone credits, or who to date for the week. what do I worry about? right now, i am still dwelling on the fact that my dream college education has yet to wait; wondering where or how to get a teaching job, planning on bulking up my bank account, looking for new means to get out of here by spending someone else's penny, trying to lose 20 pounds, and punishing myself for avoiding Starbucks today. and yes, i shamelessly declare i have just 300 bucks in my purse, which i would have to squeeze for two more school days (not mentioning transporation costs 120 a day). this morning, i also tried to kill enthusiasm... and again i left school without saying why or where i was going. i remember i was told how peculiar that i disappear too often... and how weird it is that my voice always sounds boring and monotonous, that i could put anyone to sleep just five minutes into my dry speech.
they think i am fine tuning my life too early. but i dont think there's anything wrong with planning the next ten years or so. in fact, this IS quite normal. i decide to cut class. go around the metro. visit a friend. get lost in the deep passages of manila again. check my money with the bank. visit the pharmacy for my mother's medication. go home. take mom's blood pressure. sit in front of the pc. learn photoshop. answer questions in yahoo! answers. write. work. (guys, im back to the drawing board.)
"For us there is only one season, the season of sorrow. The very sun and moon seem taken from us. Outside, the day may be blue and gold, but the light that creeps down through the thickly-muffled glass of the small iron-barred window beneath which one sits is grey and niggard. It is always twilight in one's cell, as it is always twilight in one's heart. And in the sphere of thought, no less than in the sphere of time, motion is no more." -Oscar Wilde
(mind spin: i am currently having too much of genetics-the subject, literally-the mere thought of chromosomes and sex linkage makes me squirm.
since the year started, i began to think how troubling it is to stare at one's eyes. when i feel it takes less than ten seconds for anyone to see what lay behind mine.
hope is such a bad thing to destroy. i always deemed trust difficult to build and easy to lose, but nothing is worse than dying hope. what started as a promising chance at a new life now threatens to seize whatever life i have left... and i wonder if anyone in the world had any idea how stupid i felt.)
