Too Many Tines, Tsk.

Here's what most people tell me these days: "Ang galing naman, graduate ka na, pwede mo na gawin kahit anong gusto mo."

I'm proud and extremely overjoyed to have finally graduated. Pero, pwede mo na gawin kahit anong gusto mo? Talaga? If what they say is true, what the hell am I doing?

Many of my friends are in med school, and those who aren't, are registered chemists. Some others have not-so-lucrative yet kickass jobs or have common yet well-paying jobs. And here I am spending hours on the computer with futile job searches and downloading my senseless addictions; with an internet connection that I can no longer afford.

There used to be plans that I laid out early into my college life. There was Plan A, 'the plan of success', a long shot towards something that would cost the most time and money. The plan seemed scary, impossible, yet at some point I felt passionate about going through it. Then there was Plan B, a clone of the plan of success, equally scary and impossible; but for me seemed interesting. In my dreams, it was like the path of a Nobel laureate. (I said, in my dreams.) There was also Plans C, D and maybe E; but they were all stashed at the back of my mind.

People have always expected me to go with Plan A, but I've already made up my mind that this is something I would not let my parents go through. When I was doing my thesis, it got to a point when I was so broke that I couldn't even eat. There was a time when I just fell flat on the floor when I got home; because I lost 450 pesos on a stupid busboy and my account balance was literally ZERO. The cost of my thesis was a mere five-digit amount which I gradually spent for a period of five months, so now I can't imagine squeezing six-digit amounts from my parents for years to come! And, I think it's enough already that my relatives in the US keep me alive. After some time, I've grown to accept that maybe Plan A was just too ambitious. Anyway, there's still Plan B. Still costly, scary and ambitious. I'm actually beginning with Plan B but at this point early on, it doesn't seem to be working out. Maybe I'll do Plan C for now. However, they don't see me going for C or the letters after that. They will just tell me how much opportunities I waste and how wrong I am about my decisions over and over again.

Oh, and recently, there's Plan X. I didn't make this, some of them did. It ensures that I do whatever it is they want me to accomplish in life: go overseas, earn a lot, bring the family abroad and start a new generation of blue-eyed half-breeds. Gusto ko rin naman daw yung Plan A, why not X? Those who go through A settle for X eventually naman daw because they want to earn more. It's the same field naman daw, and I get to go abroad faster that way. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely admire those who finish Plan X because not everyone can handle that kind of job. That's why I don't want to push myself into that which I'm not passionate about because I may not be able to handle it. They think my Plan A's just about the desire for prestige and reputation. It's not that; and don't tell me I'm lying just because you don't understand what my goals are all about.

Ang haba na nito. And I know the way I just wrote was terribly confusing. I just wanted to breathe, that's all.

Like probably a lot of people in the world, I am in a fork in the road. Mine just has too many tines.