10.25.2005

Addicted.Scared.Stupid.

my back is killin' me. ive become so lazy that my back now ached. i read that back pains can be a result of weight gain. holy. i definitely need to lose weight. good thing is, im working out a bit again. 30 sit-ups and 50 leg lifts aren't so bad for a start, i guess.
current addiction: 3 movies - eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 50 first dates, love actually
love stories? er, yeah. i dont know why, but i can watch them all five times and still be pleased.
From love actually---
Jamie (Colin Firth): Beautiful Aurelia... I've come here with a view to asking you... to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person because I hardly knows you but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England. Of course I don't expecting you to be as foolish as me, and of course I prediction you say no... but it's Christmas and I just wanted to... check. (in bad Portuguese)
funny but sweet.
---------
LEAVING is easier than being the one left, isn't it? so that's what you are doing. you just drop a cold shoulder hoping that i would be mad enough to stay away from you. hope all you want, but im not gonna let you out the easy way. you always said that you want to be understood, but never try to understand other people. that is the lamest thing ive ever heard.

10.22.2005

Behind Insomnia

today i woke up looking like sh*t.
i couldn't sleep last night, especially that i was a squatter in my own house; as my aunt arrived and used my room for the night. i kept falling off the small bed, and i felt like a batallion of mosquitoes was ready to lift me up anytime...
i kept singing Sugarfree's Tulog Na to myself just so that i could finally sleep. and i was actually the hoping the lyrics were true. haha. maybe im not that anti-sentimental after all... (^^)
Tulog na mahal ko
Hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
Lika na, tulog na tayo.
Tulog na mahal ko
Wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
Saka na mamroblema
Tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
Mamaya, hndi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
Kung matulog, matulog ka na...
Tulog na mahal ko
Nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
Sige na, tulog na muna
Tulog na, mahal ko
At baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas
At sabay nating harapin ang mundo
reasons why i couldn't sleep last night:
  1. - i was constantly sliding off the bed, and the blanket wasnt keeping me secure at all. im never gonna sleep in that side again.
  2. - the light from the kitchen was too bright. i hate it.
  3. - my brain was bugging me to write. and i couldnt because my bro was using the computer.
  4. - i was stressing too much about leaving.
  5. - YOU: im worried. and i hate worrying 'cause im getting these stupid eyebags! im not mad at you, im just thinking about how you must be right now. even though i guess that means nothing to you now. I KNOW how bad you are trying to get rid of me. IT IS obvious, pal. and just so you know, im a very sticky person. i may be the most stubborn leech you'll ever find. im not going away that easily. i can stay as long as it takes for you to open those eyes and start seeing. it will be very hard to get rid of me. i am different; no one can take me in their lives and then suddenly just take me out of it. and please, stop with the excuses... dont expect me to believe your strengths, because I KNOW your weaknesses. yes, you have changed but it's not keeping me away from you. don't push me away just because YOU yourself can't stand the way you treat me.

i still look like crap and i don't care.

10.15.2005

Politika at ang Pinoy. o Ang Pinoy at Politika?

Which should really come first: the people or the politics?
I came home late the other night, had a reunion-like date with two friends ive not seen for a long time. I wasnt able to catch primetime news, it was PBB on channel two when i arrived. I perched myself in front of the TV until 12:15 am... not really knowing what to watch after i ran out of good HBO movies. At last I caught one program, and I was a little disturbed at everything that has happened while I was commuting on the way home. people may be surprised that somehow, i DO care for this country.
The headline was the violent dispersal of rallyists around Mendiola that night. I became less interested in the news 'cause the new so-called 'calibrated preemptive response' thing by the police was not surprisingly making news everyday... not until I saw who was hit by the water cannon. @_@
It's startling how WE could tolerate this kind of situation in this country. that night, the peaceful prayer rally which involved nuns, priests, three bishops, and a whole lot of political leaders were dispersed with a raging cannon of pressurized water. do the policemen find SUCH joy in pushing, beating up people and even getting them wet? funny that i sometimes think foreigners would envy us for having women with torn up wet shirts running down the street... what a pity other countries would have to do "wet t-shirt" contests just to see females in their wet undies (maybe i should stop thinking like this... haha.)
this nation is definitely kicking its own butt. i dont know where else i could find police going against their former Vice President, their current Senators and Congressmen. while watching TV, i can't help wondering how Guingona came out of that chaos alive... I mean, looking at his frail condition and all. Madrigal said in an interview, she thought she would die. If she did, what a shame it would be that a public official would be killed in the hands of her own subordinates! Maybe I'm not in the position to criticize these methods since I know nothing about anti-riot SOPs, but hey... I dont understand why rallyists have to be shoved and punched even after they are handcuffed! And some of them are even held by the neck to their brutal death. Women are almost stripped of their clothes, and even senior citizens are beaten up...
Let me express a suggestion: shouldn't old people be escorted by police out of the commotion instead of being hit by canes and fists? and if they fought or threw stones... an arrest of offenders should be enough. there would be no need for fists flying in the air. plus, why are some cops not in uniforms? some were so professionally clad in sandos and slippers with towels tied around their foreheads ready to stop a riot anytime. we must really love our policemen, we let them work in pambahay clothes. and here's another, maybe next time... we should set up a fenced area in front of the palace and every other government institution which says: 'RALLY AREA'. Filipinos just wont stop complaining about every President, and every decree. a leader which WE elected ourselves, or maybe others helped to be in position. everyone seems to have a protest everyday. And the country has been a very noisy place.
I think street robbers and cons in Recto and Baclaran and the rest of the metro are enough for one nation to handle. and how much more now that we have even smarter and well-educated robbers and cons in our government? And if noisy neighbors are irritating, just imagine how other people are constantly irritated by rallies every single day.
Tonight, I am to watch more blaming and bickering. just more talking, and less action. and with this, the state is tearing itself apart. i wonder what will be left of it tomorrow?

10.12.2005

Wow. Spirituality Suddenly Emerges

i am pleased with myself today. ^^

i still couldnt believe i was exempted from phychem finals... whew. well, i can say it wasnt my most dreaded subject in the world but i went through hell to get that exemption. and an arrogant side of me says maybe i deserved it. *evil grin*

plus i woke up miraculously early today... and without the grumpiness matched with my usual scarecrow-look. (my hair was behaved and pleasantly attached to my head. nice.) and the joy of a relaxed breakfast. ahhh... never really realized that sausage and eggs tasted so good at 5 am until this morning. for the first time this year, i sipped my coffee w/ milk to the bottom of the cup... --- since i was half-finishing my breakfast meal and drink everyday--- hmmm, i can still smell the sausage and eggs, im hungry again.

another first for me today. i have a Catholic inspirational book with me right now. it is the first book of such type that i have held since graduation from my Catholic high school. 'The Purpose Driven Life' didnt really catch my attention, and i have never held a Didache in my life. (i know it's a Christian material, but i dont know what the word means or what it is exactly.) my parents know i am not a fan of pastoral literature, and im glad they never pushed me to be one. growing up in a nuns' school, ive had enough bible reading in my bloodstream...
OKAY, so i got this new book. THANK GOD HE'S BOSS by Bo Sanchez. it was lent to me by a good friend at school for no reason at all. she asked me if i wanted to read it; so i said, "yeah sure" without really knowing what she was handing me. in my situation (after weeks of school-related torture), any non-academic read was FINE for me. she also said the book it's just light reading, fun and that it is so short that i could finish it in 30 minutes. true enough, i DID finish it while on the bus going home. and to my surprise, i enjoyed it. but i wonder WHY of all people, she chose to lend the book to me? she knew i was addicted to books... but really why me? AND why this book?
AT the back of my mind: Could this mean God is calling me?
Gosh, Lai. You're really not considering this.
Ahem, i was talking to myself. this is really creeping me out. Oh please, i am fine as an ordinary church follower, nothing religiously special on the side... i am not the right person for these miraculous conversions and stuff like that. Maybe heaven was looking at the wrong lost sheep here. Believe me, im on my way back... no need to find me. my conversations with the One are alright. i seriously want to leave it at that.
no drastic spiritual changes for me. not here, not now.
maybe i should leave a quote from the book:
"Many of the people who persistently see the wrong in others do so because they subconsciously can't stand the wrong that they themselves do. They hide their sins behind the sins of others rather than for them to rise from their weaknesses."
that was a nice one, by the way.

10.10.2005

Self-psychology: ME as a test subject

"The human mind is indeed a cave swarming with strange forms of life, most of them unconscious and unilluminated. Unless we can understand something as to how the motives that issue from this obscurity are generated, we can hardly hope to foresee or control them."
- charles horton cooley
today ive dismissed everything that i knew about my own mind. it seems that EVEN I cannot understand my habits.
i was excessively happy last night - after successfully editing an EiC chapter that i have wanted to lay my hands on weeks ago... and i was psyched about doing something other than school stuff! i know one of my chapters is
NOTHING compared to the sordid political situation of the country-- after watching countless hearings on TV; and news about assassination plots on the President and the threat of martial law. but i could actually care less as long as i have my EiC. (call it social apathy... but really, if only THERE is anything i can do for the country... i would not think twice. ^^)
whatever the situation of the world was, i still was happy last night. until she came and ruined it all. now i know how it feels to be at ends of excessive happiness and rage all at the same time... i couldnt remember how i shook it off... but i knew the ending was: i didnt get enough sleep.
since the time i woke up this morning and until i reached school, i was completely lost. absent-minded. tulala. it was as if i didnt care if my bag were snatched or anything... haha. no one really noticed. i guess i have proven today how much i didnt know about myself. i stood in front of the washroom mirror for 15 minutes, without really doing anything except stare at the lavatory.
AND after a long time, i felt like going to Rob again. ive had this weird habit of scouting for books whenever i was pissed at something or someone. other people take their anger out on shopping, but I spend time on books. in Rob i used to run to book sale and spend an hour looking for a cheap buy or in Natio browsing on the latest i can find. today i was delighted to see Power Books finally in Rob Mla! haha, it must have been there weeks ago... but im just do glad for words! another book-scouting haven for me... but i might as well be bad luck for them since i never buy books during my literary escapades... that is why it is called book-SCOUTING. haha.
how weird could i get?

10.09.2005

"Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence"

they were around in the 1990's but i discovered this rock entity just recently by the name of 'Dream Theater' ... i first came upon their album 'Scenes from a Memory' talking about a girl Victoria who as implied, has died from depression or something else that i cant guess. the album was full of instrumentals and a weird hypnotherapist in the background. that alone charmed me into their music...
and then i discovered six degrees of inner turbulence.

THEN i came across misunderstood. it was as if i heard myself speaking through the song. here's why:
Waiting
In the calm of desolation
Wanting to break
From this circle of confusion

Sleeping
In the depths of isolation T
rying to wake
From this daydream of illusion

How can I feel abandoned even when the world surrounds me
How can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me
How can I know so many Never really knowing anyone

If I seem superhuman
I have been
Misunderstood

It challenges the essence of my soul
And leaves me in a state of disconnection
As I navigate the maze of self control
Playing a lion being led to a cage

I turn from a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me

How can I feel abandoned even when the world surrounds me
How can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me
How can I know so many Never really knowing anyone

If I seem superhuman
I have been
Misunderstood

Playing a lion being led to a cage
I turn from surreal to seclusion
From love to disdain From belief to delusion
From a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me

How can I feel abandoned even when the world surrounds me
How can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me
How can I know so many Never really knowing anyone

If I seem superhuman
I have been
Misunderstood
and guess what, i slept so well the night i heard it.

10.04.2005

cRaCked

there is a very thin line between being a UP student and insanity.
in the past two and a half years, ive gained a lot of weight. about 20 pounds at the least. they ALL think i was enjoying myself in school that is why i became this chubby. >_<>. i sometimes have to eat twice in the morning to last my 6-hour afternoon laboratory class... or get an unhealthy, fast food meal for a quick lunch... and how would i last studying till the wee hours in the morning if i didnt have a box of chocolates beside me?! that might explain it all, i guess. even though i am absolutely convinced i need not explain myself to anyone.
im getting fat, but my brain is shrinking. marathon exams has got the best of me today. at least i think i like physical chem, but my grade sucks. at physics exam, i am positive that I FORGOT EVERYTHING except breathe. oh well, i dont care. i just want a darn long break. (after all that ive been through this semester, retaking quantum physics is not such a horrible thought...)
im totally cracked. i watched two hours of a goldfish's life when i got myself locked out of the house because my stupid short-term memory forgot that my parents were out the whole day and THAT I HAD reminded myself to bring my keys. so there. phew.
in any case, i have reached a magnificent conclusion: my goldfish defecates every 10 minutes... and its defecation rate increased to an excretion every 3 to 5 minutes after one feeding. somehow i looked like in danger of crossing the line... tsk, tsk.
FISHBRAIN ALERT. i desperately need to get another pet.