Toxic >_<

coming soon: physics third exam
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next attraction: physics lab report notebook submission
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physics final exam
physical chem final exam
biology final exam

oh my... i dont even have time for real theater... -_-;

my brain has liquefied. sometimes i think i can hear it splashing inside my head. i may have caused all my dark gray matter to melt and deteriorate bit by bit. im just so frickin tired.

my toxic life hasnt even been in full blast and i already feel like giving up. 3am study periods are not very healthy for me. being awake till dawn makes me want to bury myself six feet under the ground. or sometimes i just wanna bang my head into a wall to get rid of all the virtual headaches biochemistry has given me. im in deep bull defecated material! (IM becoming a NERD... if not a complete freak)

i just need time. all this would be much better if i had more than 24 hours a day, and more than 3 hours of sleep... minus all the REM moments please. the website could have been worked on better... im excited but im exhausted. and that's not a good pair to start with. i have done little so far... not really much, but it's one huge start for me.

my soul is still dying... and my brain's catching up with it too.

FYI: i DO have a heart.

Sometimes, being happy for them just isn’t enough. I thought I could cover up my own misery just by being their friend in the backseat, ready to take the wheel when the road gets rough. That being the superhero would give me the majestic satisfaction the comic books always said about the heroes. Since the day I have brought my child self to listen to catholic school lectures, I have known that ‘to give is better than to receive’. But it has always bothered me, what can you give if you get nothing in the first place?

And so I continued to bury myself. I shut myself from the world hoping that the silence of being alone would be more comforting. Well, sometimes it is. They are too noisy. They talk too much, they cant seem to hear each other. And I don’t want to be part of that world anymore. Ive been there, and I WANT OUT.

But the thing is, I cant seem to get out of it completely. There’s something about the world that sucks me back in, even when I push hard to escape it. Getting dragged in is painful. When I detached myself, they came for me. They pulled me in again. I was thankful, because for the very first time in my life, someone genuinely wanted me IN their circle. I know I am not heaven sent, but I tried to be an angel… although I definitely think no matter how hard I try, I could not grow the wings that I wanted.

One day i just gave up on dreaming for those wings. an angel i was... but a human broken inside. i was tired of it. i suddenly realized, perhaps i have served my time. they were happy, i did all that i could. i actually became the backseat friend who drove at the worst weathers. i had the rational mind, the thinking-before-acting character; so i guess they trusted me. they said i was smart, that i could outwit anyone and outdo anything... well, maybe they're right. i think a lot. to the point when they thought all i could do was THINK.

I AM a complete human. i have limbs, senses and whatever anatomy everyone else has. yes, i have a brain and i use it a lot. BUT it is not the only thing i have. i have a heart. biologically, of course i have one that pumps blood and keeps me alive... it beats hard when im angry and almost dies when im depressed. and YES, i can feel. i have emotions. i can cry, although i have convinced myself long ago not to. i can laugh. and i know gratitude and humiliation. i can feel hurt and regret. bet you never knew that. i know i look cold and detached. because sometimes it makes me feel better... to stay away from the people who would never listen, especially to me.

the angel stays here. wondering how great it would be to escape and fly away from all this. the angel is beat up and bruised, even before she crashes from her anticipated flight.

at times i get so angry i can swear the whole day to sleep. or i feel crushed because some other ignorant human who forgot that i could feel took away my pride.

but in the end, i still dont understand... i was always the one who said sorry.

one darn day

he pisses me off.

yes, im overreacting but i cant help it. i think 80% of the world is unfair and he's a huge part of it. i didnt do anything to deserve such treatment. what did i ever do to him?! damn, damn, damn. im mad!

--------

and then here she comes. again. i was excited to hear from her or see her, even. she has been one of the very few people i trusted. the only person i can confide with at the worst day. but what the hell... she still doesnt understand! i surely hope she at least tried to. for once, why cant everything just NOT be about how she feels?! because all this time, ive turned numb... from trying to feel her. ive lost my own ability to express emotions. i always feel her pain, sadness, and anger... that i forgot to feel my own. i tried to make her listen, but she threw away any chance i gave her to hear me. she assumed a lot, and dismissed everything to her own made-up conclusion. she refused to listen, so i gave up. but at the time when i hoped she'd finally listen, the stubborn girl i knew was at her worst. and damn, she was a tough job.

im tired. i had exams today with him. saw him on my way out. ate beside him yesterday. i cant look at him in the eye. im still pissed.

i felt i would die yesterday. she did it again. damn. i just cant get mad. i hope there's still another time for her to understand. aaargh... im exhausted, she's exhausting me. he's exhausting me.

my soul is dying.

COLD

as you turn away from me
im secretly hoping
that you'd come around
and break the spell on me
it seems like its fading
the fire between us
has died down and
now you left me questioning

and i feel so lonely side
oh with the pieces of
the loving ways, we cried
and i feel so empty
now you've gone and
took away my pride

why can't you reach out for me?
you're pulling me under
where the darkness blinds
the world right out of me
i feel like im trembling
my knees are shaking
cause i know theres something you're not telling me

and i feel so lonely side
oh with the pieces of
the loving ways, we cried
and i feel so empty
now you've gone and
took away my pride

and i feel so lonely side
oh with the pieces of
the loving ways, we cried
and i feel so empty
now you've gone and
took away my pride
i feel so lonely oh,oooh
hi feel so empty oh,ooohh
your gone and i cried

-session road

i knew. you didn't come to me, but i still knew it.

he saw me beyond my messy hair, my oily pimpled face, my dorky manners and my lack of vanity. at least he made me believe that i had something good in me that no one else had. for the longest time i thought i was too unique, that everyone thought i was a freak. but he didn't mind that. he saw what i have been wanting others to see in me.

i didn't like him much, but i definitely didn't hate him. he was normal, not at all exceptional nor noticeable in any way. i saw him everyday; passed him countless times, and we exchange a few hi's and smiles, and that was it.

he had so many chances to tell me, but he didn't. he tried to speak to me once, but he blew it. and he never tried again. besides, i would have just hurt him if he did. but still, he was the only one who saw me in a different way. very much unlike how everyone else treated me. i just feel sorry i couldn't give him back the kindness he has shown me.

until now, i still wonder why he waited for me. i actually don't think there's anything in me worth waiting for. but then he waited, for not very long though. somehow im glad he finally gave up, i want to save him of all the pain i think i already caused him. i wish i had been kinder to him, known him more. but my time to do that has passed. i know that even if he DID try, i still couldn't accept him; i'll only hurt him more. even if he comes back now, i just won't take him. and i feel bad because im selfish.

he had so many chances to come to me before, but he really didn't take any. they said he was shy. but it's sad that i didn't hear anything from him; someone else told me. well.

i want to see him again, talk to him, or even hug him. i want to say thank you. i want him to know how grateful i am even though i unintentionally hurt him many times. yes, i ignored him. i've been struggling, shouting to the world to look at me beyond what they can see, but he was the only one who listened.

thank you and im sorry. i wish i could see you again.

"you can try all you want, but you can't change the world"

first entry. yey. i forgot my old blogger username so i created a new one... really dont have much to write about right now, except that im addicted to translating english to portuguese? haha, i found an online translator and it's so cool. i can actually convert all EiC lines to real, authentic portuguese!

the title has nothing to do with this, of course. it's just my motto for this week.

anyways, i should get back to translating.