Head Above Water

my common sense tells me i should not be acting like this. letting my mind travel while a cross a busy highway, pretend not to hear anything when someone calls my attention, try to kill enthusiasm... but i think the worst is creating my own bubble to walk around in.

For us there is only one season, the season of sorrow. The very sun and moon seem taken from us. Outside, the day may be blue and gold, but the light that creeps down through the thickly-muffled glass of the small iron-barred window beneath which one sits is grey and niggard. It is always twilight in one's cell, as it is always twilight in one's heart. And in the sphere of thought, no less than in the sphere of time, motion is no more. -Oscar Wilde

...how troubling it is to stare at one's eyes. when i feel it takes less than ten seconds for anyone to see what lay behind mine. my senses are not dysfunctional, perhaps they have failed to fulfill their purpose at the strength of my will. i have been told my voice sounded boring and monotonous; that i could talk for merely five minutes and have a person doze off at my dry speech. i find it amusing that i would not need as much effort to keep people out of my business; but im surprised at how good im getting at pushing away others.

[hope is such a bad thing to destroy. i always deemed trust difficult to build and easy to lose, but nothing is worse than dying hope. what started as a promising chance at a new life now threatens to seize whatever life i have left... and i wonder if anyone in the world had any idea how stupid i felt.]

Down in the Dumps

wallowing becomes too tiring after a while... when i realize that i suddenly fail to recognize the difference between yesterday and today. if it is any different, i wouldn't notice; because for one, i know i am no different, and second, i am starting to lose that little glimmer of hope that all THIS can change.

today i realized how much of a sore loser i am. i am coming close to the ways of a damned hypocrite; proclaiming the goodness of humanity and making everyone else see the bright side - which i have, in fact, never seen. i know running away isnt any solution, but i think it's the only way to make things better. it's either I cause the problem or I AM the problem. if only i had means to escape, i would have gone long before... and now, my opportunity just burned out.

i have feared uncertainty; and now i fear a lot more. i dread having to say i need help. two months ago, i convinced myself I can carry out everything on my own and with that, never really considered that sometime i would have to doubt my judgment. i cannot do everything by myself, but im still struggling to. and i still stick to that: I AM to finish all this ALONE.

i hate the fact that some of the people i believe in are making it hard for me to breathe. i dont understand why no one else sees the lethargy forming in my midst. the circles around my eyes are becoming darker and deeper, and my stare has become blank. but the apathetic conversations keep on coming… please, i cannot carry the whole world on my shoulder. the least anyone could do is notice how horrible my eyes have become – how my eyelids gloomily fall over my irises, and how my lashes always seemed to be damp. but i guess it would be so much trouble for anyone to care.

my disappearances are becoming too often. of all the things i fear, the only thing i sometimes hope would happen is for this poor soul to end up somewhere far-off that no one would ever find it. so much for my fading existence.

Personality Test

"You are the kind of person others depend on. You're competent, self-disciplined, and able to carry through with any plan you create. You've just got it together. You're also good at weighing the pros and cons of any situation and making sound, well-informed decisions."

yeah right. above is one comment on an online personality test i took. i don't feel too keen on this, but they say it's right. three weeks ago, it might have been right... but my current situation makes me think not so.

comments that are....

AMAZINGLY CORRECT:

...relative to others, you're more concerned with the meaning of things and the underlying structure than you are with surface appearance or beauty.

You're a skeptic when it comes to the validity of emotions. You yourself may experience the whole spectrum of feelings, but this doesn't mean you fully believe in, or want to examine them. You should feel some emotions, but others just get in the way. When it comes to other people, you prefer they keep their emotions in check so they won't interfere with your interactions with them. For you, emotions can be very distracting if the wrong ones are expressed at the wrong time or in the wrong place.

Others are likely to experience you as levelheaded and rational but may not understand where all your questions come from. Because of this, you can also come off as relatively serious to others; they may interpret your questions and reluctance to take things on faith as unnecessarily skeptical

you are more introverted than others. You're more likely to keep your opinions to yourself, preferring not to be the center of attention. You get energy from spending time alone, collecting your thoughts, and looking inward. High intensity social situations can be draining for you.

you'd rather be the one who is approached, over being the one out there introducing yourself to the crowd.

It can take you a while to warm up to others you don't know, and when meeting new people, you can feel awkward at times.

you don't let success inflate your ego. Getting a compliment doesn't send you soaring to the moon with thoughts about how wonderful you are.

You don't want to be the center of attention and will do whatever it takes to avoid it.

SOMEWHAT TRUE:

It takes quite a bit to get you going. You're not likely to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

You know how you're acting and are in control of your emotions, and this makes you more levelheaded than others.

You like to think things through.

You know people mean well but that doesn't mean they're right.

Your answers indicate that you are resilient. Something hits you and it doesn't get all the way in.

most of the results were true, i must say; no matter how creepy it looks reading my exact habits on the screen. ^^

HEALTH ADVISORY: I Am Contagious

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Hell, I wish there IS nothing seriously wrong with me. The semester just reopened and I’m flu stricken – hoarse voice, wheezing breaths, runny nose, headaches and all. Being a bit panicky too, well… *deadly cough* my deadline’s next week! And I haven’t written anything on the friggin form! Maybe my worst fear is entering the inevitable world of reality, although I’m starting to feel like it’s a big joke. That nothing’s really supposed to happen. That I have just been given the cheap, snag-free opportunity to dream and feel the drive. Again.

What qualifies a dreamer to be in the triumphant circle anyway? What’s the point of working your ass up when everything’s gonna be ruined by sheer bad luck, and uh… not-so-perfect genes? Fool’s analogy: if you aim your arrows too high and miss the target, it has two possible destinations – get stuck in the trees OR hit the ground hard. Oh yeah, I still hope I could get stuck in the trees; at least I got somewhere.

this day could not get any worse.